How to make a Borderline Relationship work
Therapies for couples can be a demanding affair all on their own; for the therapist it is frequently like walking on eggshells between empathy and neutrality among the wishes of both partners and the struggle not to be made into an ally in a bad triangle. If one of the two partners is borderliner as well, as a therapist I then feel as if I am dealing with a relationship powder keg ready to explode at the smallest wrong move.
In its classification of psychological disorders the borderline syndrome belongs to the group of personality disorders. Basically it affects the entire identity of those concerned and also seriously impacts their social relationships. Maybe the disturbance’s most important indicator – by the way the diagnosis is anything but undisputed – is a distinctly unstable, insecure self-image. This primarily results in an underlying feeling overshadowing the entire life of those affected: Fear. Fear of not being worth of loving, fear of the emptiness inside, fear of being betrayed or deserted by people who are close, fear to be exposed as an “unworthy” person, which is how the borderliner sees him/herself deeply inside. It is probably easy to emphasize how this underlying feeling of fear leads to a form of permanent stress that is difficult to bear. It frequently gives vent to mood swings, states of severe depression or excitation. Those who have ever experienced the temper tantrum of a real borderliner are probably never going to forget it because the impulse- and affect control of these people is extremely unstable and tends to snap in stress situations. (Ever saw the movie “Fatal Attraction” with Glenn Close? That gives you a pretty good idea . . .) It is not ill will – for borderliners a small mishap, a glance perceived as unfriendly or even conveying hard feelings is sufficient to abandon their emotional equilibrium in a way and with a vehemence that others have a problem understanding.
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The social relationships of borderline patients – and especially their partnerships – are obviously also a non-stop roller coaster ride: since those concerned continuously alternate between their partner’s overwhelming idolization and equally strong debasement (he/she is either the world’s best partner or a total asshole) it is incredibly difficult for them to maintain lasting relationships. During arguments the borderliner often loses control of his/her behavior resorting to insults, which the partner can barely tolerate. Frequently short term paranoid- or skewed perceptions of reality also play a role: In those situations the partner who has no idea what he/she has done to deserve them, out of a clear blue sky is heaped with accusations of infidelity or other transgressions. The more he/she attempts to defend him/herself, the more the borderliner persists in his/her belief and finally the situation escalates to the point when the other partner knows no other way but to become aggressive him/herself or leave the house slamming the doors – for the borderliner naturally only more “proof” that his/her suspicions had been correct all along . . .
Now you are probably thinking, “Who in the world would put up with a relationship like that?!” I totally agree, that is obviously a fascinating question. At the latest after their borderline partner‘s second totally inappropriate blowup most people would probably tap their forehead and get the heck out of dodge. Still, many borderline patients live, and not just in short lived relationships! A very interesting book I recently discovered for myself, intensively deals with the personality of people who – and often repeatedly – fall in love with borderliners and even stay with them for good: “When loving hurts” (so far only available in German, sorry!). The author is Manuela Rösel, psychologist and pedagogue in Berlin who has lots of experience with borderline-patients. Among others, she identified the following characteristics their partners have in common:
- a disposition for altruistic surrender combined with the compulsion to make others happy at their own expense
- an inability to recognize their own needs
- exaggerated indulgence
- perfectionism and extreme commitment (associated with the idea that “love must be earned”), the inability to make mistakes or to fail
- the inability to set clear boundaries and to defend them
- the conviction that nothing one does on one’s own is good enough
- exaggerated sense of responsibility and conscientiousness extending as far as the helper-syndrome (“I must save him/her from him/herself”).
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This article was written by psychologist and book author Felicitas Heyne. She is the developer of the iPersonic personality test. Take the free personality test now and get in-depth career advice and life coaching from our unique iPersonic personality profiles!
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